holidaze

holidays do at some point become a daze for me. i spend time acting like everything is ok with people i act like i like. i would have preferred to spend my day here with my computer reading and rereading the words i have found so much comfort in written by you guys.

but we have our obligations...

my aunt was supposed to go get my mom on wednesday. and while she did, the drama that ensued only increased my mother's level of panic at traveling in cars at night and such and has pretty much ensured that I will have to be responsible for driving her.

monday my middle aunt who was cooking decided she wasn't feeling well so i left work (where i am still weeks behind) and went and bought all the tday fixings. as usual i over did it trying to create some vision of perfection to hide within. tuesday i taught until 11pm. wednesday i went to work then came home and cleaned while awaiting my mom's arrival. i had gone out and bought sheets and blankets and pillows so that everyone would have someplace to sleep (me, mom and aunt).

my aunt did not leave at 2pm when she said she would. now mind you that we were supposed to be in NJ so my aunt had taken off from work. but instead she was at work until late afternoon (she has this weird codepepndant relationship with her boss, but i am grateful she has kept a job). so instead she leaves around 4:30 pm--to go get an oil change. she finally gets on the road around 5 or 6. she gets lost and i am on this end on mapquest trying to direct her to mom's house but she won't listen and can't seem to tell me 2 streets where she is. my frustration is rising so i let her find her way on her own and go walk the dogs. in the mean time my mother is in a panicked state becasue her sister is lost and she is frantically calling me to tell me to call the aunt because she is lost. i tell her her sister is a big girl and would ahve to figure it out. the aunt gets there and gets the mom in the car. they set off for my house. the aunt decides that in dark, unfamiliar territory while driving that it would be a good idea to take a xanax. then she begins complaining that she is seeing double and feeling tired so they ahve to stop at every rest stop for a minimum of 30 minutes. i don't figure this out until after the 2nd cryptic phone call from my mother reporting their progress when i realize that in 1 hour they had gone about 15 miles.

they finally get here and then ofcourse the loud mayhem begins. my aunt goes over the top with the behavior. it's a trait i have adopted because she was my favorite person when i was young. it is a trait i have come to despise about her mainly because i don't like her as a person after all the history that has passed and i wish she'd just sit quietly so i could forget she was there.

i go to bed because i am exhausted and dreading the next morning. i get up and am trying to just contain my frustration. int the end dinner was served at 8:50 pm, 5 minutes after i left to go walk the dogs and they ate without me and i came home and ate alone. typical fmaily holiday meal. didn't shock me until i was relating the details of it matter of fact-ly to my elderly neighbor and she was amazed that they hadn't waited for me to eat. i wasn't, i ahdn't expected them to. it might have been nice. but they had no idea how long it owuld take me to walk the 2 dogs.

i ahve to beg mom and the aunt to put away the food so i could get some sleep because i was due to drive 5 hours to see my dad the next day. needless to say i didn't leave on time. i ifnally left at 1pm and arrived at 7:30 pm. i said hello, talked to dad and step mom, ate a bite then went to sleep.

that was an interesting trip. my stepmom is fearful of dogs but my little sweet potato charmed her. her autistic nephew is afraid of dogs, but i told him that i would take him to mc donald's if he petted the dog. he did, and i did and after that he and the dog were ok. but with my dad who loves dogs? well katie kept growling at him. he offerd her turkey and she growled. he tried to pet her and she growled. eventually she'd let him pet her and get right up and comfy next to him. but then she'd move for whatever reason and start theentire process. every single time she saw him it was like starting over.

and my dad started talking about how all the women who had had children for him had taken his children away form him. i wanted to scream and rage, but i was too tired and just not up to dealing with the hurt. there is some need to still "please" my dad and seek his acceptance. i love him but i odn't like him and that is a weird discrepancy for me. i've made my peace with the fact that he and i will probably never have a real relationship. i'm not sure why i continue to even have this sort of contrived relationship with him rather than just walk away like my sister.

but i finally left and came back home. went to church and discovered that a woman i have just really liked since i started attending was my mom's childhood best friend. and she gave me this photo of my mom when she was younger and she looked so happy. it was the only picture where i ahve ever seen her look happy. and it was nice and exciting to find out htat my mom had been a hppay friendly person. and then reality began to hit.

see my mom came to the baptismal and met the woman last week. the woman who had been searching for my mom for longer than i have been alive didn't recognize her. but it turns out that my middle aunt is her sister's childhood best friend and her mother goes t o my grandmother's church where my youngest aunt attends.

so word got around and got back to the woman who made the connection and cried because she realized who i was and that she had been so close to my mom. well she told me this at church. i went and called my mom and told her. i could hear the lack of excitement in her voice. by the time i got back inside i was carefully choosing my words but someone had already told her that my mom was in town and at my apartment. she was ofcourse excited and wanted to see my mom. i didn't have the heart to tell her no i don't think that would be a good idea. i tried to prepare her. she heard the words but didn't quite understand.

i went home and told my mom she was coming and mom got upset. mind you i had asked her to be ready to go out when i returned from church anyway. she hadn't even bothered to get ready. i told her i wanted to take her out then come home and get a nap because i had not had more than 3 hours sleep since arriving. but she has no respect for my time. so she made no real effort to get ready. so she had to rush around and get ready.

well i tried to warn the woman again when she arrived. i told her that no matter what, she was part of my heart and it would always be that way. they visited, my mother turned on the charm. only someone who knows her like me would know how phony it all was. the lady left happy and planning to see my mom the next week at the church bazaar. my mom instantly began talking about some mythical relative who was ill in VA that we may have to go visit.

i ruminated on how my life might have been different if my mom had stayed in contact with her or gotten in contact with her when she came back with me. see this lady is the aunt i always wanted. personable and loving and quite normal. i was angry that my mom had denied me that and that she was going to try to deny me that now. i began to think i would end up having to leave the church in shame because the lady would ask why my mom hadn't called or something and would get tired of making excuses.

and the old bitterness crept in. my mom may thrive on being alone but i never sis as a child. but as a result i only know how to be alone. in relationships of any sort i cling too much too fast and end up hurt. i don't know how to have a friendship let alone an intimate relationship. and yeas i blame my mother. i don't even know how to fix it. i know how to put on a mask like my mother and do what is expected of me.

and you realize how compartmentalized your life has become. and anytime parts of my life intersect, there are problems. i am angry because i am scared that i will lose the peace i feel in church. i can't lose it. it is the only thing holding me together right now.

for the first time in as long as i could remember i cried because i missed my aunt that ran away. i just had a longing to tell her i loved her and missed her but i understood. and then i had the thought to find her and realized i don't even know enough information to start. no one really seems to know what her last married name was or anything else. and i realized what a band of distant strangers my family is. and i could create an "ideal" family, by visiting friends at holidays, but the awkwardness of feeling like a 5th wheel and the jealousy and longing because it is not real usually sends me into a mood tail spin.

i have become a collection of all the things i hate about both my parents.

and my mom has decided to considering retiring from this job and moving back here with me. and as she said this i felt like the air was being choked from me--like someone had buried me alive and i was running out of air. nothing has changed between my mom and me. i'm not even sure anything has really changed for the better in me. and i will soon be back where i started 6 years ago. i feel like a prisoner who has escaped prison but is now being returned. i hate that i feel that way about my mom.