i have been thru every emotion in the span of 16 hours.
and everything i am feeling i know i should not be feeling.
people will say "i know" but then give me reasons why i shouldn't feel the way I do.
no BUTS.
it's the same thought regardless of mood.
even when i am happy i want to die.
it's just not in the forefront of my mind.
but i still do. want to end on a good note.
avoid the downward spiral i know is coming.
there is no comfort in a diagnosis right now.
only promised struggle and misery.
that's not a gift i want.
but i always do what i am supposed to.
and suffer thru is what i am supposed to do.
with awareness has come a burden
i can no longer hide things the way i could.
everything sits and reminds me how screwy i am.
i saw myself today. realized how the disease has fed on me
grows like a tumor on my soul.
there is nothing left.
i have trouble asking for help.
don't want to be a pest.
don't want to drain people or worry them.
don't want them to know that it is all an act.
i wonder if everything is a carefully preprogrammed response?
even my care for you guys.
sometimes i wonder if i am really capable of feeling anything.

ah well--i will leave all of this for the therapist on friday. yeah after i left work in tears and on meltdown (i contemplated killing myself but needed a nap first and then woke up feeling totally different--angry kind of; not sure i will be able to go to work feeling as i do right now.)

i know i ma breaking down. the fear is more what a breakdown will entail. ive said it before but i will say it again. i'm not sure how to put the pieces back together if they have to hospitalize me. as much as i say i am not like my mom, i am--i worry what people think of me i want them to like me or fear me. either one and they can't hurt me.