am worried that i am displaying signs of hypomania and the dr. doesn't see it. they only see what you present to them in the 20 minutes insurance allows once a month. it's a blink of an eye in my emotional world.

he would say i am being more productive and that was the goal. and i guess since i have never had full blown mania i should not be particularly worried. maybe i have been down and sluggish for far far too long that i do not even remember normal?

i get up now and take katie out for a quick pee. eat a little something. and do one quick chore (usually in relation to the kitchen. today i cleaned out the freezer while my bread toasted. and then reoorganized it. and i remember for a fleeting second being gleeful that i had finally found the "perfect" way to organize my freezer. and then the paranoia set in. am i thinking that i have a gift that no one else does for arranging the freezer? yada yada yada...

and i realize that this morning i touched up one poem and started another. and i keep hitting post and then coming back with one more thought, that i usually can't remember in the time it takles me to get to the keyboard and flip up the laptop screen (because i close it thinking each time i will not be back for a bit because life beckons--there are dog colons awaiting me.)

i don't know if the thoughts are fleeting and racing or if like kids who suddenly get out of school because there is a water main break, maybe they are just running with boundless energy and joy and glee at finally being free from the bog. (did u see the story on tv about the ireland bog people? people they found dead in the bog and the guy desribed how it must have been a horrible death and i suddenly just thought that being truly depressed is like being interred in a bog).

oh yeah but i came back to say that the one thing i like about my pdoc is he only chnages one med at a time and he has prioritized which of my symptoms needs to be dealth with first to get me back into life. he stabilized the mood swings first because the swinging from low to the depths of darkness was not cool. then he felt that my energy level HAD to be addressed. step one, reduce the prozac to a level where it may not be overloading my system and causing sluggishness (with the eventual goal of getting off of it); replace that with another antidepressant (being careful to choose one that has the added benefits/side effects that would not make it like 1 step forward and 2 steps back). then the stimulant to get my mind going. it worked but not as long as he would hope so he's inching up the dosage. he warned me that it could cause hypomania in which case he would bring it back down and then reevaluate the plan.

i don't feel like he has one and only one plan that my brain must be beat into submission and made to follow by all his little pill henchman. i feel like this is an exploration into my mind and he and i are taking the trip together. like i am a tour guide giving the "behind the scenes tour."

it helps to feel that way to quell the anxiety. i do wonder though if i am putting him on a pedastle like everyone i tend to think is rescuing me- from lovers, to my priest, to my pdocs.

but enough. i hear a rumbling doggy colon and the carpet cleaner is in the back of the overloaded closet so i must go.

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update:

i came racing home to tell you all of another brilliant idea i had (ok not racing but i did think "wow i should tell them about this"). my elderly neighbor's dog Tupp has a light raincoat but because it doesn't have a slit in the back for a leash to go thru, i have difficulty using it with his harness (which i prefer to the gentle leader or attaching leash to his collar). if he wore the raincoat the leash attached to the harness would always pull the coat off. but this morning i was struck with a brilliant idea to lace the leash back under the top of the harness so it was directed out by his neck but would still utilize the back hold of the harness and not pull on the coat because the postion under the harness took the pulling.

and as i waited for blogger to log i began to fret that i was really becoming manic thinking all these brilliant ideas were coming to me.. and then that little voice of sanity screams at you:

"you'd need to have brilliant ideas about something more then rearranging the freezer or leashing a dog you boob! when you get to how to save the world or bring an airline out bankruptcy, then call the doctor!"