food

yesterday's therapy session centered around 2 points:
procrastination and food/diet.

therapist asked me if i had ever considered gastric bypass. i have never felt sooooo fat. but the comment was from a medical professional and absolutely warranted. she did counseling for bypass patients. and i am whether i want to admit it or see it, morbidly obese.

food is such a loaded issue:
-comfort: grandmother i associate with food and i felt most secure there and the full feeling i remember because as a child i was allowed and encouraged to eat as much as i wanted. even some of the top memories of pop pop involve food. all family occassions where there was happiness involve food.
-i am an oral person. the feel of food, the taste of it; it removes the blah taste i ahve.
-i don't want to diet because i don't want to try really hard and still fail.
-my mom wants me too; if she could learn to love me as i am
-men don't pay attentioon to me, makes it easier to avoid social anxiety about dating
-any man thaT DOEs is either a dog because he will fuck anything or really interested in me.

i left the session and went straight to chic-fil-a despite the fact that:
1. i wasn't hungry and
2. i had lunch with me.

i knew exactly what i was doing. i even tried to talk myself out of it. but i rationalized it by ordering 2 tenders less than i normally do (but i still supersized it).

and then the rest of the day was a feeding frenzy. i could not stop wanting something to eat. i hadn't felt that way inawhile since i started the new meds.

but i must go :
1) because blogger is going on an outage
and
2) i need to go to work.