reconnecting

it is odd to be faced with reconnecting with someone from your past. especially when they remember you from your pre-diagnosis days and you wonder if the monumental change you have been thru is visible on your face. you wonder how much to divulge. sometimes i think i divulge too much, not in an effort to be hinest, but in an effort to vreate a since of closeness QUICKLY. probably accounts for why so mnay of my relationships, both friendship and more intimate, just don't work.

and it also makes me realize how i have repeatedly chosen the wrong people to keep in my life. there was one friend from college that i treated rather badly--actually i guess it was that she just got kind of squeezed out of my life. i have tried to apologize--i have even contemplated writing to her now and telling her about my diagnosis as way of an "explanantion". but i accept that i behaved badly, being mentally ill is no excuse and that "i'm sorry" is not a magic key to a do-over.

and i guess to reaching out like that means you may find yourself getting rejected and we all know how i feel about rejection!