old wounds

i had to meet a student at school tonight (friday). ofcourse RJ was there. And as I sat next to his booth and watched him and listened to him talk (he was oblivious that I was there) I began to wonder if he might be bipolar. He gets into these frenzies. just excited to talk and is the life of the party.

i'm lost in thought when i realize a woman has come up to his desk. it's his wife. and i watch them converse, talking about their daughter and i suddenly felt like my soul was bruised, like it had been punched but blacked out so there is no recollection of the hit, just the deep throbbing pain as it turns black and blue and purple.

And then I found myself doing something stupid. a few hours later i was still there dealing with my student and I finally had to leave. But I told him i had had something I kind of wanted to discuss with him. so he gave me his cell number.

so about 30 minutes later I am driving home and suddenly in the middle 4 lanes of fast moving freeway traffic, i just start to sob. the tears are so fast and so big i can't see. and i realized i had just pulled the scab off a wound that was almost healed. ok maybe it wasn;t healed but it was atleast not hurting anymore. but dumb ass me, I go around SI-ing my soul. it would have hurt less to draw a blade across my thigh.