Foreign Languages

In the midst of catching up with an old friend from college who has gotten her life together and is one step away from becoming a Master Social Worker, I shared with her all of the drama in my life including what had been going on with my former best friend. This conversation provided me with the invaluable opportunity to get a crash course in Therapish. It is deceptively simple because it uses English as its basis, but words are not what they seem. It was so much fucking fun, I thought I'd share it with you.

• So, how are you?
  
  Mmmm, let me try out my new therapy skills on your crazy ass.
• You have great insight.
  
  Hey! You said what I was going to say before I could dazzle you with the brilliance of it. No fair, you're crazy; you're not supposed to know this shit.
• Statistics say ..., but every situation doesn't fit the norm.
  
  I am right and you are wrong, but I don't want to rub it in.
• You should (insert recommended action).
  
  All the future bad things that the statistics say are going to happen will be your fault if you do not follow my expertly crafted plan of action.
  
• If you won't (insert recommended action), I have a professional, ethical and moral obligation to break your confidence and go to the authorities.
  
  ok so my therapy techniques didn't work. how about a little emotional blackmail?
  

well this has been so much fun i decide i should teach her a few phrases in Sansanitese. so we go back and forth sharing (T=Therapish, S=Sansanitese):

• (T) You're mad at me (phrased as both a statement and question simultaneously)
  
  Mmm, my therapy skills seem to be failing me at the moment because I'm not sure how to read her extended silence.
• (S) No. (spokenly sharply at half volume)
  
  Duh, do you think? Wow that Master's degree was sure worth it.
• (T) You feel like I betrayed your confidence.
  
  You didn't see that one coming did you? Not so insightful after all are you?
• (S) No.
  
  Oh I don't care if you call the authorities; I can't believe that you, at no point in the early stages of the conversation when you knew I was talking to you as a friend felt compelled to mention this moral, ethical, professional conflict that you might find yourself in.
• (T) See now you are shutting down on me.
  
  I know a fancy word for not talking to me.
• (S) Don't handle me.
  
  Look Bitch, I am not one of your clients so don't try talk to me like I don't know that it was your ass who got put out of college for trying to jump out the window and your stupid ass who got sent to the country to live with grandma after crashing a brand new car while all coked up.

But then as is always the case, my 55 minutes were up, therabitch left and fucked up friend returned and proves exactly why the crazy should not be counseling the crazy. In the course of the remainder of the convo she:

• ranted about those degenerates who wouldn't pay their bills and just filed bankruptcy to get out of paying which she had not done. (yeah she knew about my bankruptcy; as a matter of fact, it was one of the first things i mentioned in this convo)
• mentioned that she had disclosed to her mother that I was bipolar. Seems that she you turn on and off your moral/ethical/professional obligations at will. What a talented girl she is.
  
• disclosed that her bipolar husband who refuses treatment, roughed her up, left bruises on her arms and doesn't even seem to remember it and while it might seem hypocritical that she was not being proactive in removing herself and her kids from this situation, her kids were not aware of it so she would just wait and see what would happen. She couldn't call the police because that would affect her license, she won't tell the couples therapist they see because she really likes him and he does not specialize in domestic violence so he might ask them to leave, hubby would never hurt the kids and she had atleast 6 months before she needed to decide what to do because typically that was the time in between incidents.

WTF?