It could be triggerish to those of you who struggle with SI, but I felt like it was something I needed to put down here if for no other reason to remember all of the details, especially my thinking.
I decided to put the details in the comments of this post so you could choose to click & read or not.
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I was trying to fix a bit of the crappy last few self inflicted hair cuts.
For whatever reason I get mildly obsessed about it and just do not seem to stop when i know i should.
So I ended up with a bald spot in the front of my head right above my temple.
I decided on the lie I would use to cover it up (I fell, scraped my head on a sign post and had to have it shaved so the splinter could be removed.)
For whatever reason, I id not think the normal cover up (a well placed bandaid) would suffice. i thought that there needed to be evidence of the accident.
I tried to scrape the skin with a cheese grater like foot smoothing tool, but it didn't work. then i tried to scrape it with some staples I got out of the staple gun. That was not successful so I went and got my exacto blades (I use them to trim work to be mounted on boards for school) and made 4 or 5 slices in my scalp.
There were several thing that caught my attention:
--there was no pain
--head wounds bleed a lot
--there is something rather beautiful about watching blood erupt from your skin; the blood seemed redder and "cleaner" to me
--at no time did the normal fear factor that would have been my safety kick in. I never questioned that i would do it.
Afterwards as I tried to stop the bleeding, I chided myself but there was a certain amount of satisfaction in the deed.
I also found that I derive a certain amount of satisfaction from telling my stupid lies to the "normies" and getting them to believe them.
Then the panic set in about what would happen when i saw my T. As i suspected the act was viewed as a cutting incident rather than a desperate attempt to cover up a needless lie after an OCD moment gone too far. and then the session got worse from there. (but that is for another post).
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