soulful amnesia

That's what this place is like. I don't know if its hypomania i don't know if it's depression. i don't know if its both. i don't know what's me, or what's the disease. Did I just say, do or think that or was it the bipolar?

every facial expression, gesture, intonation and inflection--every aspect of my being is analyzed by everyone around me. If i am angry it must be the bipolar. if i am acting outrageous it must be the bipolar. if i am sad, it must be the bipolar.there is no more me; even if i could find it, no one else would see it thru their crazy colored glasses. i am no longer a persoin but simply a blip on the scale between unacceptable and unacceptable.

if these diseases are so individualized as they say, how the hell are people telling me what state I am in? if they've never seen my baseline so how would they know when I've arrived there? No what they want me to find is the baseline chosen out of a text--the one that lets them say--see i was right and she is better and i am good. when they say live within your limits they mean live within this carefully constructed enclosure we have made for you so that you don't get out and trample on our flowers.

i am in constant self doubt now. i constantly question every facial expression, gesture, intonation and inflection myself. this is so much worse than the self doubt of preteen years (am I cute, am i fat, does he like me, do i smell ok, will i look fat in those jeans). this doubt makes me question my self down to the core--i question my very existence. maybe i am just a hallucination in someone else's madness.

i suspect that i am not running from the darkness, i am not trying to find an escape. i think i am hiding in here from out there. they keep reaching in and trying to drag me out--make me look into the bright sun and tell them it is beautiful. makes no difference that it is blinding me, that it is permanently damaging my vision. i have looked at their sun so long now i can only see shadows. In the end I will end up back in the darkness because it is the only place I can exist as ME.
in the end, the meds and dr's visits will all be for naught. wasted energy, wasted thoughts, wasted tears, wasted words.
In the end I will be right here where it all began.