to the T i go

i've spent the morning crying. what made me cry? a daydream, a fantasy. that happens to me all the time. that i can think myself into a mood, except i only seem to think myself into a sad mood. i can day dream about happy things but i don't feel "happy" it just staves off the sad (an absence of sad does not mean happy).

work is rather excruciating. i spend most of the day trying to have no reaction to anything and limit my exposure to everyone. yesterday was my "weekly" check in. my boss and i sat in her office in an uncomfortable stale mate. she wanting me to open up and talk as we have in the past when we were friends, me just wanting to keep her out and protect her from any more inconvenience or stress from my mental unhealth. i sat and answered in 1 word monotones and had absolutely no affect. she said i seemed unhappy; i replied no. she said i seemed tired; i said no, adderral takes care of that. so she said i seemed spiritless; i told her it was the meds. I didn't want to get into the convo of "i'm sorry, i don't trust you even though you didn't do anything and i know it is all in my head, but the shame and hurt and sorrow and all have warped my vision of you." People on the outside don't take it well; they think they can reason with your unreasonable mind.

in the beginning she was staring at me with that x-ray gaze, trying to see into me, read me. by the end she was looking away uncomfortably and i was staring at her blankly.

funny how outsiders do not consider what they are asking you to give up when they encourage you to get "help" (meds). you din't like me before the pills and you don't like me now. there is no pleasing some people.

so i go off to the T in the afternoon. I'm sure he'll ask about my hair since i will be wearing a scarf. i don't know if he is expecting this radical of a cut. but my rationale is rational to me (i was going to obsess over it anyway, so just shaving it all off saves me time and energy.

the fatigue is beginning to beat the adderrall again. prablem is i don't really want the dosage upped.