the T read my post. i think he may have got it. he made one of those all encompassing "how sad all the painful things you've been through in desperate attempts to be loved and not abandoned."

he noted that last week i seemed too vulnerable and this week i seemed too impermeable and that either state was going to break me. but it seems that if i open, even a little, the tears come flooding out. if i imagine myself even mustering a smile to respond to my coworker's "hi" i begin to cry. how do you leave for 3 months and go back right where you started or 1 minuscule step better?

everyone so wants me to be better. i fake for them. even that is getting tiresome. there are some people i don't even bother faking for anymore.

something was said to me in an email about work tomorrow that had me questioning the writer's motives for choosing those words at that time. They seemed slightly out of place. as if they wanted to tell me but not face to face because they were afraid of my reaction. so it is adding to my anxiety. of course i can't mention this to my T because everything i say or think is an irrational thought or fear. why is it when i question/analyze someone's motives or thoughts/actions i am being irrational but when he does it he is being psychoanalytical and can be paid $1/minute? once someone slaps the label crazy on me, my innate sense to read people is dismissed suddenly. even i am beginning to doubt. sometimes i wonder if that is the establishment's way of making themselves feel better because they spent all those hours and dollars on a degree to half assed learn what i was born with naturally.