how do you stop a train wreck?

this is how my hospitalization came about. it is the best bit of slow-mo deja-vu ever.

something is making me sick to my stomach rather constantly. not a big encouragement for taking meds. without meds i can't stay awake or remotely happy. there is not time in my life to stop and try to figure out what to do.

it's why i am slowly just giving up on meds. i am now jittery inside going thru withdrawal. with these meds there is no room for error in the physical or emotional world and i am one big mistake after another.

and i can't really recover from the hospitalization. each month i use the one sick day i earn within 5 days of the month beginning. i'd end up out for 1 week without pay if i went out on leave again before disability would kick in. and the more i think of it all the more anxiety and terror just ramps up. so i just ignore it.

i haven't even made it 6 months before i NEED to be back hospitalized. I won't go. there's no real point. In the 6 months since, i have spent most of that time trying to get my life back on track, in recovery from my recovery. not the way to live.

but i have commitments i owe for the next month, people i won't let down. so it drags on until then. the tise will have changd by then right? i won't even remember this post right?