some demons have been staring at you so long you almost forget they are there. or maybe you just get so used to them, like an old married couple, you forget your anniversary.

i missed the anniversary of the child i lost to ectopic pregnancy. but Mother's Day makes it impossible to ever completely forget because about a week after being released from the hospital it was M-day. Walking around watching all of those mothers with their children, especially women with infants and pregnant women was hard. and since no one knew, i had to keep it to myself.

it's one of those sore spots between mom and I. one of those pivotal moments in my life whose damage has been so far reaching for so long that i don't think recovery is possible. all i can hope for is that i can learn to manage the emotional symptoms as best i can to prevent further hell.

so it makes it even harder now to do the fake hallmark thing with mom that she so enjoys. i'm sitting here trying to make myself call. it's the right thing to do. to stop torturing her for a past she can't undo. to stop torturing her for a present she really isn't responsible for, because I am. to practice the understanding i say i have of the fact that she is a flawed individual with her own set of issues who deserves as much tolerance and understanding as I would want someone to give to me.