damned if you do or don't

I want to stay in the bed asleep always. It's the depression.

Take the meds and I will be too tired to bother living. Med side effects, yeah!

THIS IS NOT LIVING.

I want to rage and destroy. Make the world understand how I feel inside. That bothers me because I sometimes think that that is how many of the massacres committed by a mentally ill person began.

Then again my body is too broken to carry out much rage. My ankles have finally started to slow down with the swelling; right in time for me to show up at the new Dr's office of course. But she could still see the problem. She was kind as I told her that I did not want my health issues judged in light of my mental health problems. She was accepting of that which was cool. and she understood the difference between being passively suicidal and actively suicidal and that I would be sure to tell if I thought i was going actively suicidal. (AND at the time I said it I meant it, but now not so much)

As a precaution I have to have an echo & electro cardiogram, but she thinks teh swelling is veinous insufficiency. My veins just don't work. Great because there is no real cure for that unless it gets so bad that I have to have surgery and no one I know that has had veins moved around or messed with in their legs has fared well.

and the numbness and tingling in my hands is due to nerve damage in a nerve in the crook of my arms (Ulnar I think it is). Another "just suck it up". Oh yeah and just so the other fingers aren't feeling left out I have carpal tunnel. So when I sit with my arms sharply bent while leaning on something I get all 5 fingers and my hand numb and tingly! So here are the braces I need to have for both arms:

Do you have any idea what kind of robofreak i am going to look like walking around with those things on both arms? But i guess no more stupid then I look now waving my arms frantically trying to get the numbness and tingling to stop.

but it is not cancer or something worse so I should be grateful.