I'm scared.

It's not so much that the depression is coming back but that the happiness is wearing off. And really even that is not the problem because this mood versus where I was is FABULOUS.

The problem is I feel hyper aware of symptoms. Symptoms which may point to changing diagnosis and medication poop-out.

The seroquel is a life saver. It quieted my mind with out turning it off. The extraneous data that was always floating around ceased. thoughts had to wait their turn. I hadn't understood the concept of racing thoughts until seroquel. Now in hindsight I realize that I have had racing thoughts most of my life. And even when they aren't racing they are just relentless. My brain just won't stop sometimes.

But the Dr. prefers I only take it as needed. I'm not 100% sure. The nurse in the Partial program swore by the drug. She insisted to the Hospital pdoc that I get a light dose. She called it a wonder drug becuase she believed at low doses it could help in so many other instances.

I swear after I take it the world looks brighter. I mean that quite literally. The only way for me to describe it is that my thoughts moving around kick up dust which clouds my vision of the world. The seroquel makes them stop; no more dust cloud and thus the full brightness of the world can show thru.

Plus I get a good night's sleep when I take the seroquel which helps abate any impending depression. The seroquel may be my last line of defense. I don't think i can increase the cymbalta. I am terrified of the physical side effects the dr. & I attributed to the serotonin meds. They made me depressed.

But i get now a mixed state. Depressed and racing at once. mild depression and mild mania. Diagnosis are complicated. It scares me. I know I am being anxious and paranoid about symptoms. I know I am being hypervigilant. I CAN'T GO BACK. I CAN'T. I can't. I'm not sure I would make it back. I mean I know I will get depressed again. I just can't go back to those depths. I'm not sure I would bother even trying to fight my way back again. SO I just have to try to stay out of that spot. and so often I ended up ther ein what seemed like a blink of an eye. So often I did not see it coming. I looked around and there I was.

I'm sure it is anxiety as I am also clenching my jaw and find my shoulders and arms clenched. I suddenly become aware that I am tensing as if I am waiting to be hit by a bus.

And lately my biological clock is ticking loudly. I mean LOUDLY. and I think that is making me a little depressed.

bah.

I want a cigarette. and I don't smoke really.
and I don't feel like I have the right to post on my blog because for some reason I can't read anymore. It's not you. I think it is because I literally am hyperfocused on a computer screen for most of my day. I come home and I can barely stand to look at it. Even the things I do for "fun" involve me on a computer. sheesh.

I know this is disjointed a bit. i'm to tired to go back and edit for clarity and flow. too tired to try to be witty. yada yada yada.