It's so hard

After a major breakdown, friends and family are so happy to see you go into remission (I never say recover because I know the disease will be back). Their joy makes it hard for me to admit that I may be falling down again.

I think I am at that point. I am on a slippery slope.  On the plus side, my favorite tracking software is now free http://www.findingoptimism.com/ so perhaps it is time I start truly tracking and take the graphs to the Dr's.

Here's the thing.  I am more afraid of the med side effects than I am of the disease (like many sufferers). I'm in a good spot as far as meds and side effects.

I am trying really really hard to keep going.  What I really need is for my health insurance company to pay for something practical like a house cleaner.  No really.  I need help just getting this place in order and getting the basic things like responding to mail & paperwork done.  I think that if I could get those parts of my life in order, it would go a long way to not prolonging an episode. I wouldn't come home and feel s depressed at the state of my apt.  Or perhaps it is futile and I'd just feel bad about something else.

oh and because I buried my head in the sand about some paperwork I may have lost $2K. Yeah. I suck. I just can't keep up with life more than getting up, going to work and walking the dogs.  Cooking is beyond me. And I am back to lying to everyone in my life to cover up everything. And I've gained more weight. yeah.

Ya know what sucks?  Even though I KNOW better, a little piece of me wanted to believe I was cured.