everything was ok, and then it wasn't

well first let me define ok -- for me ok is simply not being in the throes of a major depression. but the dysthmia had been getting worse for a little bit. but i suspect that is because my weight is out of control and i have absolutely no motivation to do anything about it including the health threats hovering right over my head.

but whatever...

so mom calls and tells me aunt #4 lost her storage units and in one of the units was my photo album. so that you understand let me give you the short version of the attached baggage:

• album was handmade by grandmother (who was my favorite person) for my birthday. it contained the only pictures I had of my childhood and only pictures i had of her.
• all my other childhood pictures were either never developped by my mother who carried over 50 rolls of undeveloped film for 15+ years or lost when my mom was forced out of the hosue where we lived because it was being sold but she had failed to move her belongings in time so we had to just abandon a room full of stuff. because she is a hoarder and disorganized pack rat, i can never even be sure of the full extent of things lost.
• Aunt #4 gambled away my grandmother's home after grandmother's death. the last time i was in the house was the day we buried her. before i could get over my grief, the house and grandma's belongings were gone. it was the only place that ever felt like home and it was stripped away from me.

so the loss of the album just suddenly ripped open a wound i had just kind of patched together. i am raging and feel so alone, vulnerable and disconnected.  My anger towards my aunt, leads me to my anger with my mom, leads me to my anger and grief over my grandmother's death, leads me to my anger/sadness over... and it just keeps going. I'm really trying to not go back there.

i don't know that i ever get over anything. i guess i just figure how to ignore it and move on.