warning: pms, depressive post
i hate mothers’ day. do we celebrate simply because someone gave birth to you? what do we do about toxic moms or mom who are a medium on the toxic scale?

and again this is a reminder of the child lost around mothers day 29 years ago. a child i wanted to want but no one else did so i went along. i wanted my shame-free existence more i guess. i feel like my desire to remain shame free kept that baby from descending from my fallopian tube. but i still miss what might have been. but that is all romantic notions. the child would have been born into toxicity.

by the time i was probably wise enough to actually have q child and protect it from most of the toxicity, it was too late.

and mom and i will never have the type of mother daughter relationship one would celebrate. and in the last two weeks I have been thinking a lot about what might have been and I realized that I think I thought I would marry into a family that would fix this and I might have that mother daughter relationship with her mother-in-law. And then realizing that that is probably too late to. A whole Other layer of mourning.

so every year from now until death i will mourn. alone.