the good news and the bad news

well, i tossed and turned all night. just as i started to nap (which is how i refer to my efforts at sleeping these days, mainly because of the quality) some idiot rang the phone from the front gate. he demanded i let him in and i demanded to know "who the F are you?" to which he replied "oh sorry i have the wrong..." before he could finish i slammed the phone down. and ofcourse i just stared at the ceiling until the alarm went off at which time i got sleepy.

i manage to get myself out of the house in a reasonable amount of time and i get there right on time only to discover "there" was not where i was supposed to be. i had gone to the hospital professional building when he was about 8 blocks above that (yes, in the freaking direction i had come--i had actually driven right past it). i should have recognized the addy because i used to work 3 blocks from there!

so now my anxiety is in full swing and i rush back up. i find a parking spot right infront of the building, but i cross the street anyway thinking i had to go to the building on the other side of the street. except that building is a church so i am staring at this side door on a church thinking, this can't be right and finally i figure it out.

luckily his receptionist is this woman who exudes calm. i wanted to burst into tears because i just felt so stupid. but i got all the paperwork filled out and went to pay my copay and she said that because she had no idea what it would be (it's a percentage) she would charge me what other people who had my plan normally pay and then they would bill me if it was more. so i paid $12.60. and i'm thinking that if you get what you pay for then i am screwed because the other dr's have always had copays that ranged from $35-60.

i meet the dr. and he is really nice. not the least bit arrogant. he says to me "i'd like us to talk a bit to see if i will be able to help you." we talked and talked. remember in the previous post i said "or maybe he will tell me i am just a bad person," ? well oddly enough as he was explaining his perception of me, he said "i know that you are not a bad or evil person," even though i had not mentioned that fear at all.

he was blunt and straightforward without being stern and cruel. i told him about the suicidal thoughts but he believed me when i said there was absolutely NO PLAN OF ACTION BECAUSE I AM A CHIX! we discussed a 3 month plan. it includes me returning to therapy, which i am not keen on, but he said that he would not encourage me to do that until i was feeling better because otherwise it was wasted time, money and energy. we discussed the meds. the changes my primary care dr. wanted to see (me reducing or getting rid of the prozac and uping the wellbutrin) will be happening. apparently long term dosages of prozac while still having some effect, albeit a lesser one on depression, can then make you sluggish. wellbutrin should give me more energy and make it easier for me to focus. once i agreed to the plan, for him it was a go, so before i left his office he gave me a sample bottle of wellbutrin so i could take the extra pill right then and there. he also changed around my med schedule to help me take advantage of the pills side effects. prozac at night and wellbutrin in the a.m.

and then came the big one. after a bunch of blood tests, in a few weeks i will start lamictal. it's the mood stabilizer du jour. he shied away from giving me a diagnosis because i think he knew it would frighten me. now i know many of the anti-convulsant drugs are used to treat forms of bipolar, but he stopped short of saying that. but he did tell me that i have a very severe mood disorder and were it not for my sheer stubborness and will power i might not have made it so far.

i came out of the appointment with this high feeling i normally have after facing something that has caused me so much anxiety. even all the information i have read about lamictal, including some 1st person, not so very nice testimonials, have not deterred me. i found out that the makers of a few of my drugs offer rebates which when combined with my insurance mean several months of free drugs. sure it means i am a marketing pawn, but considering i stand to save about $30 month oh well.