or rather i should say man issues, cuz it's only one man causing the upheaval in my life.
i've known cmh for almost 16 years give or take a couple of years we were fighting and not speaking). one would think after all that time i would feel comfortable with him. but something about him stirs so much anxiety in me and makes my self-esteem take a nose dive. it's not him--he's not cruel in that way. it's more my reaction to him.
i wonder sometimes if my "feelings" for him are just memories of the way i thought i felt all those years ago. i wonder if i do really still feel for him or if it is just old habits that die hard?
what i do like about things now is i see him more clearly. he's not perfection or even the most perfect imperfection. he acts like an ass because he has a bit of a personality disorder. he will only half admit it to himself. he doesn't really seem to believe in psychology or even emotions.
i could never understand why he seems so devoid of emotion. but slowly he lets me know things. i know his father's criminal activities hurt him, but now i find out that there was some domestic violence in his household. i know how deeply some of the girl's that hurt him have really scarred him.
sometimes i think i like the person i learned to pretend to be around him. i try to be tough and street wise.
but i am tired of seeminly to only get the broken pieces of his heart. his most recent was that he found out his 8yr old son was not his son. now mind you that 6 years ago when he showed up on my doorstep he told me he didn't think the child was his. why the hell he waited all that time and after all that emotional investment to get a paternity test i don't know. he and the girl are not together so it wasn't an issue of needing closure on their relationship or the possibilty of them ever being together again. so i'm the one he calls in the middle of the night to "not talk about it" with.
so many conflicting emotions involved in all of this. jealousy, anger resentment, fear, anxiety. and all of them are mine. iwas angry/jealous when i found out about the child. when i found out that it wasn't his, for a moment i was happy. see i always knew that that child would be another thing i could not compete with in his life and another thing that would keep us apart. i figured he and child would part ways and i would console him and he'd love me and decide he wanted to try to have a kid with me. i felt horrible for feeling that way. but i heard the hurt in his voice when he thoguht he might lose his son. so i prayed that it would work out so that he could keep the boy in his life. and it did.
too much wrapped up in him. he doesn't know that i learned to be happy when i thoguht he was never coming back. i feel like i am back in a holding pattern. but it is a self imposed one. or maybe i just use him as an excuse to not deal with my intimacy issues and find a decent realtionship.
the other thing is, he makes me miss RJ all the more. tonight i actually cried because i just wanted RJ to hold me. i just wanted to feel safe.
can you ever just have a decent friendship with someone you ahve been so treacheroulsy invovled with? i want that comfort i felt with RJ with CMH. but maybe RJ was just a ruse, a carefully constructed plan to get behind my inner wall just to say he was able to. i want my happily ever after. do i selfishly tell cmh to go because it is destroying my inside to have him in my life or do i just hope i learn to cope? i don't understand why i still think i love someone i know could not fufill my emotional needs.
1 comment:
true love does exist with people that you KNOW simply cannot meet your needs... it's' a different sort of gravitation to the heart... but knowing when and when not to act on it is really the most difficult part because it almost inevitably leads to further temptation and often times devistation... lead with your heart and discern between the warm and cold feelings... proceed with caution where you don't feel much of anything.
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