made it thru the dr's visit

it was quick. not much to talk about since i am having no disturbing reaction to the chnage in meds. he added the lamictal. i took it as soon as i left the office so i owuldn't ahve time to chix out.

i was hoping he'd give me something to help me sleep. but he said the point of the wellbutrin was to give me more energy so he'd rather i wait til my body adjusted . so i'll try to be productive in these extra waking hours and sleep when the mood hits.

i saw RJ today. he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek as if nothing had ever changed, as if he had not written me off, as if i had not said "friendship over."

but i kept the conversation really undetailed. "how's everyone? good. watcha been up to? same old stuff." and then i lookd at the cloack and did the classic "i'm late, i'm late for a very important date" routine.

the hug hurt. it reminded me of what i missed. his hugs are always deep. he would always envelope me in his arms. i don't know if it is just that he is so much taller than me or what, but i felt cocooned in safety when he hugged me. but i did not let myself linger in that feeling. i shut down those feelings as soon as i felt them stir.

the drugs are starting to kick in i think. when i am ok, i am ok--not suffering from a mere low-grade depression. when i am bad, i am still depressed as all hell, but the absence of the low-grade almost constant depression is enough right now. it was just enoguht ot be a mjor annoyance but not enoguh to make me fully dsyfunctional.

so man y thoughts seem to be going thru my head. not racing, just quick. in the morning when i walk my neighbor's dog, i walk barefoot because the feel of the concrete reminds me i am alive and makes me feel connected to the world--like i am really in the world and not walking in a warp in the time/space continum.

teaching went ok. i actually think i did a better job of managing my classroom time. but i got absolutely nothing done at work. i really should try to do some work from home right now, but... well i just yawned so maybe i could hope that i will fall asleep.