she's gone!

i love my mom--i really do. if you tried to harm her i'd kill you without batting an eye.
but...
well, she drives me batty. and makes me ANGRY--I mean cursing, screaming and yelling mad. i have a tendency to talk to her like she is an unruly stupid child. it's not something i'm proud of, but it's the coping method i have established. i've tried others. i spent years in therapy learning to put my feelings into words. i would try to explain to her why there were certain things i wished she would not do because they made me feel a certain unpleasant way. but my mother finds a passive aggressive way to circumvent all of my efforts and foist her crazy on me. but i have enough of my own crazy--i can't carry the burden of hers too.
except because she is the parent who did not abandon me, i will have to take care of her. it is my obligation. which means dealing with all her anxieties, fears and insecurities which rule her life and end up ruling mine.
the funny thing is i end up looking like an ungrateful spoiled child because she is so good at masking it when others are around. she chooses people who are needy (usually in a finacial sense) because they will overlook things as long as she's doling out cash.
for instance--my mother is afraid of any form on public transportation--no buses, trains, planes, cabs or otherwise. BUT because she loves to go to MARSHALL's she will catch the bus there. apparently the terrorists will not blow up the bus that goes to marshall's. for everything else she has a collection of needy people who will come and take her places. or ME. i ahve driven 225 miles roundtrip in a day to take her shopping. no one notices that my mother does not get around much by herself because they are so fixated on what she can do for them. thenagain, they don't ahve to drive 225 miles round trip to get her.
or there is the fear that public laundry mats are too germy for her to wash her dirty clothes. so for awhile i would drive down one week and get her dirty laundry and then return the next week after washing it in my "not so clean" washer and dryer in my apt. after i started to get annoyed, she acted as if she was going to the laundry herself, but in essence she just buys some new stuff on sale or washes the same few things out by hand every day until they are unwearable and then dumps them in a bag in a back room or just piles up her laundry for weeks until she comes to visit me.
ofcourse if i drive her, she has conditions--she won't drive (or should i say rife because she has NO liscense) in the rain, nor in the dark, and preferably not on the highway. i make her ride in the back because her anxiety was making me nervous. she can see less in the back and i can't see her at all.
and suddenly i am tired, too tired to go on with this right now. i'm going to go reelish in the fact that there are 125 miles between us right now and crazy doesn't communicate so well via telephone.