i've been trying to fit myself into a script that can be delivered in 55 minutes (or however long the first med eval appointment usually is with a pdoc).

one of the tings i noticed today is this discrepancy in every aspect of my personality. i comprise so many polar opposites.

i found myself this week, spedning time staring at strange bugs i'd encounter while walking. i looked like an oversized 5 year old and it is about how i felt inside. just this wonder and amazement.

but then life kicks in and i find i have to be this super adult, juggling bills and work and caring for my mother.

mom has been here a week and it has reminded me of why i left her house in the first place. and it made me feel sad because i can't get back the childhood i missed out on because she was afraid of everything in the world. emotionally i'm pretty stunted but intellectually i'm pretty far advanced and the discrpancy between the 2 makes for some rough moments.

i don't know how you catch up on emotional intelligence. i've read all sorts of books. but if reading a book were enough, we would lock preteens in their room with a book and tell them not to come out until they are adults. i really believe some of it is learned by experince only. but at almost 35, i can't have that 1st boyfirend who walks you home after school and carries your books.

i'm not sure what to do anymore. i think i have kind of given up on trying to achieve any success (emotionally) and just hope for a stable holding pattern.

i know this doesn't make much sense. i have left so many holes, but i just don't have the energy to fill in the blanks. maybe you'll get me maybe you won't... sorry