why does fate seem to want to keep twisting this knife into me?

cmh is on the phone--we have been talking for hours about the girl he wants to be with (who is not me). and i am trying to be a friend and remove my feelings (whether true or just a lingering echo of a yell my heart gave years ago) from it.

i keep hitting the mute button so he won't hear me cry. i have accepted that we won't be together. it seems easier to acknowledge this if only in my head than to continue to use that shard of hope to cut myself.

and so he asks me why he and i never worked. and all i could say is the insecuritites and miscommunications. and i want to scream "you see MFer? i would be with you and try to be happy but you don't want me.

so why am i always either the fuck buddy or the friend but never the one someone wants to be with? why does this still hurt so bad? but the funny thing is, i have buried it so deep that i do not feel the pain... i know it's there, i see the blood leaking out of the wall i built around the piece of me to cage it up; i know it hurts. but i can't feel it anymore. i feel like all of my emotional responses are preprogrammed reactions that i simply spit back out on command. i feel very alien in my own head.

when will i truly be over this? when won't it hurt? am i just lying to myself to keep the pain at bay? or maybe it is just that he represented my last hope for a chance at a relationship and a family? it scares me to think that i am not truly in love with him but in love with the potential for rescue that he represented when i first met him. it scares me that even though i am more emotionally aware i am in the same place--it's the difference between being someplace and not realizing you are lost and being in that same place and know you are lost? what's the diff? you are in the same damn spot. you were probably happier/less anxious before you knew you were lost.

he has brought me down. crashing down. i'm looking at these bottles of pills like "why bother." but i know that if i don't, i will not make it. I KNOW that the darkness that threatens to swallow me is deeper and darker and denser than any i ahve faced. i am desperatley clutching at anything to add to my arsenal to fight this--god/religion, new pills, self help books, whatever.
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and so i made it 4 hours until the alarm went off. i ahve cried so much my throat feels like it closed up.

what happens when you see the ugly truth about someone and it still does not deter you from feeling for that person so deeply that it threatens to drag you under? he's a head case by my estimations. he says all of the realtionships he has had have ended with some girl cheating on him. he knows he is the common denominator but doesn't think he is at fault. nothing is ever his fault. he is neveer wrong. and i realize, i get all the crap--the phone calls at midnight when i have to go to work the next morning about how bad his life is. i don't hear from him when things are going good.

i think maybe i am deluding myself that he isa good friend--maybe i have told that lie to myself enough and i have begun to believe it. or maybe i am hoping to build up enough anger to be rid of him once and for all. it just seems like it is hard to draw the line in a "friendship" where it is not hurtful to you and not feel like you are being selfish and self-centered.

you know what? tomorrow that dr. could give me prescritptions for bottles of meds that will make me not even recognize myself. i WANT THAT. i don't need the creativity or the sex drive or any of the other things people claim they lose on some psych meds. i don't want to be this person any more.