and so i'm even back where i started with mom

i decided to not take mom's calls. i just can't deal with the hurt i think i hear in her voice. so i'm going to return the last bit of money she sent me since i'm not paying any credit cards.

but it's the old wound. the same feeling i got from her during both pregnancies.

so i decided that we just won't discuss it. another elephant in the room we will ignore. another brick in the wall between any true understanding and more importantly acceptance between us.

so like with my dad, i build a vaguely fake relationship with her to let her off the hook. i realize what hurt and broken people both my parents are. and i'm tired. i will not ever get the love i wanted from them. not that they don't love me, because they do. just not the way i wanted or would have liked or probably needed.