and then you knwo the bottom is in site

i don't know why i was so glad to realize how quickly i was hitting bottom. maybe because you realize it is all up after that. i've been getting sick the past few days--nothing but stomach acid mainly coming up. last nite it came out my nose so my throat and nose were both burning. and all i could do was sit and laff hysterically.

i have scraped together the money for the lawyer. i'm excited about that. the end is in site. i will soon be able to turn the ringer back on on my phone. the credit card companies call so much and i know it must make katie miserable.

i talked to cmh last nite. he has drama with his son's mother. little boy is feeling the lash backs of his mother's indiscrections and his father's strong belief in the truth no matter what. and now they are not in a position to get him any counseling. found out some things about cmh's ex that shocked me. she's a little older than me. i thoguht she was a young girl. youth would ahve explained some of her stupidity. but... ah well.

and then ofcourse we talked aboiut his new love whom things are starting to look up with and he hopes that it will work. i hope it works to. when he is comfortably with her he will drift out of my life and i will be FREE. one more demon i can let fade... it's horrible to say. he's an ok friend. but i would give that up to be free. butlast nite was the 1st nite that it felt truly friendlike for me. no love lost feelings. too tired to love anyone and i am in my "love is not worth the effort and pain" mode. the cynacism about it keeps me protected. it is a wall i will not let anyone penetrate. not this time. i can't risk it.

young guy at work seems interested in me. but it is horrible to say outloud becuase it makes me seem like a horrible person but he is so not in my league. he's nice and cute and seems sweet. but i'm not sure what we would talk about past chit chat. our backgrounds are so different. i couldn't see him being comfortable around my "friends" anymore than i would probably fit in around his. but i could fake it better than he could.

it is that discrepnacy and people's unwillingness to be around people that are differnet that has always killed my relationships. it is why the never survive in the light of day. it is why i try to keep them too myself. but relationships can not live that way.

and the idea of all that goes into relationships--friendships, love affairs, etc.--just makes me tired. i just don't care to do any of that anymore.

i've always been the chameleon and now i want to disappear into nothingness--that is what i want to blend in to.