What happens when it is simplyt ht you hate your life?

how do you fix it? i could pack up and go but that means giving up everything--healthi nsurance, car. and who says i woud find anything bhetter?

my mom called and i told her i was thinking about leaving my job in junuary and moving to vegas wit my sister. she got annoyed. and then i got upset. i told her i am miserable here and if i din't do someting i don't think i will live past january and i really appreciate all her suypport. and now that, like so many otherimportant things in my life, would be another topic we can't and won't discuss.

i kniow it is the right decision. if i don' break the cycle i will be stuck. but it's not hte best decision if you weight the pros and cons. i can't go without meds and i'd have to give up health insurance--there is no way i could afford cobra for 3 months until a new job would cover me. and i know that this illness makes me uninsurable for individual insurance.

is it weird to long to be hospitalized? i read about people's experiences and i know that most people hate it but recognize that it was life saving. some people don't think it helped their menta; state improve but it kept them safe until the wave had subsuided--a fresh bandaid on an old infected woulnd, no antibiotic but it was better than the old dirty bandage that had been covering it.

my darkest fear--there is nothing worng with me--i'm just lazy and i am clinging to mental illness so no one will judge me for being lazy.

FRIEND CALLED LAST NITE--SHE HAD A BABY GIRL! had to fake happiness for her. it bugs me tha she did all the drugs in college and partied to much and got kicked out and she is the one with the bordering on normallife--husband, 2 cute kids, house, job in the counseling field that she loves. i hate that i am such a horrible friend that i cna not even be happy. i mean i know i am i just don't feel it.

my perfectionism andpervasisve fear of everything has destroyed my life. i wish i had not had that abortion. sure T would have been an awful father but he probably also would ahve been a pretty absent father. i could ahVE TAKEN MY CHILD AND MOVED. i comfort myself with thoughts that i probably would ahve lost that child anyway or that i would ahve destroyed tha child's life. bu it does not relieve the longing. ah well...

i need to go to work. i'm 3 weeks behind.

mom calledback to tell me she loved me. i know she is trying. but that first response with her is always the one i cling to. i know she loves me. she just can't love me the way i need to be. anymore than i can love her the way she needs to be. i guess i feel like the way she needs to be loved is too codependant. but who am i to judge?