meds and symptoms

one of the things i notice that as meds deal with a symptom (say constantly fluctuating moods) anotherproblem presens itself. it was probably always there but masked by the first more dominant symptom.

I think the mood stabilizer is working. unfortunately it has stabilized me at a LOW. I expected it to stabilize me at a middle ground, but i guess that was unrealistic.

and since being put on ritalin i am beginning to think i had add all along. the more i read the more i recognize bits of myself even as a child. i am finding it slightly easier to concentrate once i get started at work but god forbid something distract me like email or the internet or chat... ( ihaver to have all turned on to do my job).

people say no way could i have add because i ahve been pretty successful up until now in my jobs (and i hid the downsides really well). but that was because i always had jobs that worked for me--lot's of movement and interaction, little mundane paperwork. my last two jobs were recipes for disaster. and it seems that ADD can present as mild Bipolar (my opinion as i compare symptoms) i don't know. i've been reading a lot of info out there from a guy named dr. amen. people seemed to be torn as to whether or not he is a quack or a pioneer in ADD. he does this brain imaging for ADD but it is "not proven" although i am not sure hjow it can be proven if someone does not try it) which some people think is bad because of the procedure (dies in your brain etc.) but he has divide ADD into 4 subtypes instead of the traditional 2. and a checklist he developped to help him assess adult patients seems very thorough and asks better questions ot really pinpoint behavior.

maybe i am just reaching for a diagnosis that seems more acceptable in the public eye because i feel a time will come when i will have to start disclosing my illness becuase of how much it is affecting my work and personal lives. at the dentist yestreday i was embarressed as i had to disclose all the meds i take. luckily my dentist is a compassionate and caring person who made me feel at ease and talked about it all very matter of factly. she stuck to the ADD and ignored teh mood stabilizers and anti depressants.

i am tired of fighting though. i am becoming attached to th idea that i ahve a brain tumor. i rfuse to ask for tests because there is no basis for it. just a daydream i latched onto. ofcourse the dream ends with me dying (or being miraculously saved by a cute dr. who marrys me). i feel to attached to the comfort of thoughts of death. but there is no plan, it just bothers me that i think about it so much.

and it becomes amazing which side effects you will just take to get rid of some symptoms. the ritalin makes me a bit anxious (plus the caffeine i drink to boost it's effect until i can up the dose) the anxiety inturn kicks up my reflex, which means, heartburn and throwing up daily. but that i am willing to endure to feel better.

but i need to get to work. i need ot do 2 weeks of work in 2 days.