i called out from work. i decided that today would be the day to take a hard look at myself and my life and decide to either make a plan to cope with my crumbling mental state or alter my life (i.e quit my job and work at target/walmart) to fit what my current level of workedness (i can't think of the word. this keeps hppening to me).
and it was all well for about 4 hours. and then the crash. and then the fatigue. but i am here trying to learna software program in 24 hours so i can teach it tomorrow. i'm trying not to just give up.
i have to learn to say NO. i ended up taking my elderly neighbor tot he card store. that was a 2 hour trip. i spent all weekend shuffling her from one event to another. and it's not htat she is not greatful because she is. but i can't tell people NO EVEN WHEN IT WILL REALLY HURT ME.
it's like i have to prove my worth and make them ned me so they will love me and not abandon me.
see what's hard about htis is to see the error in your thinking, to KNOW it is erroneous, but not be able to control the emotional response. simply telling myself over and over and over and over again tha it is OK to say NO does not work. that highlights the one fear i ahve that there is no amount of meds that will make me ok.
so i began trying to figureout all sorts of ways to get people to lower their exepctations of me. i thoguht about having a car accident and telling people i was brain damaged and a bit slow. then no one would question why i worked at walmart when i have a master's degree.
i'v thoguht about running away and strting over. but my sense of responsibility to the people in my life ties me here. or maybe i am using them as a scapegoat because i am simply afraid?
i can't believe i doubled the dose of the rialin and am still tired. then again i took a dose last night at 10pm to help me stay up and get some work done but i still fell asleep.
anyway last night i wrote a long letter to the rector of my church confessing all my sins because i was afraid that he, like most people, only see the controlled side of me i allow them to see. i just kept feeling like i was not worthy to be baptized. but i did not send it.
faith is the last hope i have. it is the one route i have not tried in the past. i'm hoping that it will bring me some sense of inner peace that may reach all the way to my mottled mind.
well i am procrastinating so i am going to go now.
2 comments:
I hope you do find inner peace somehow in your search for spiritual fulfillment. I found that inner peace a few times before but have managed to lose it somehow again.
Saying No isn't as simple as it sounds. We had to practice this at DBT group when we were doing Interpersonal effectiveness skills. We were given a bunch of scenarios of people asking for something, and we were supposed to say NO in various ways, without apologising. One of the more popular lines were "Sorry, it's not a good time right now....". I don't know if it will work for you, but you do need to believe that saying NO isn't going to turn people against you - I know that is a big fear, and that is why you do all the things you do.
You have to look after yourself before you can look after other people's needs.
Best of luck!
Polar B.
Sans-I know all about not saying no. It has given me so much heartache. I hope you find some kind of inner peace. The invitation to come to Vegas still stands-please come and visit if you can. We can have a little bit of fun.
Please take care of yourself because nobody else is going to. I know that all too well.
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