that ignored middle ground

WARNING: potentially triggering post about god and suicide
---
being functionally mentally ill sucks. people don't believe the severity of the problem. there is no help outside of the monthly visits your health insurance will cover. what i really feel like i need is a week in the hospital with the rest of the world totally blocked out in deep reflection and counseling and a serious med adjustment.

meds are so tricky and surviving while they find the right one and the right dosage is incredibly hard. i'm trying so hard to be up to the challenge.

i realized last night that faith alone won't save me. i have this notion of suicide that I am sure will be contested by most. i am not advocating suicide for anyone, but when you are truly mentally ill (i mean more than the passing "i feel so sad, my life kind of sucks" and you have exhausted many of the treatment options i don't see suicide as any different than euthanasia which i support. you should have the right to end your life in dignity. why do i have to wait until i am homeless on the street and babling ot myself about things no one but i can see? you should be ab;e to refuse treatment like a cancer patient. because mental illness is not all in the mind--it is in the brain and like having a tumor in thebrain it is a disease. but it doesn't get the same level of respect or dignity or empathy. the stigma with it ranks right up there with having aids or ebola. so there is the added stress of trying to hide it. anyway, i don't think God dooms suicide victims to hell or purgatory. Suicide is a symptom of the disease of mental illness. people say you are making a decision while not in your right mind. well when the fuck am i in my right mind--hence the fucking problem. god doesn't ban cancer victims because they show up at the gates with no hair. or a growth on their body. God doesn't ban diabetics who don't control their diseae or heart patients who refuse treatment and let their disease run its course. God is not that petty. God would take a killer over me just because the person i chose to do harm to was myself? that's crap. people say you go to hell after suicide because you can not repent. but i could die before i could repent for any sin.

so because i do not believe that suicide would keep me from heaven, there is little incentive to stay in this life other than the obligations i have acquired: my dog, my mom, walking my elderly neighbor's dog. the problem wiht living for reasons outside yourslef is that you could lose those reasons at any moment. and then what?
---
no i do not plan on killing myself. i have a date but no method. (and the date is after my mom and my dog both die) but the desire to die is with me at every moment of every day. i crave it the way some people crave chocolate. that worries me. it seems the harder i try to deal with this disease, the harder it gets to deal with and control.