I'm sorry if anyone got the idea that i was in any immediate harm. I AM NOT. I was angry and frustrated because it felt like no treatment was helping and i was spinning my wheels. i was trying to figure out why it was so hard to just accept this and deal (this being the disease). and i was tired of feeling bad about being OK with the idea of suicide in a world that is not. i think sometimes, much like euthanasia, the only people who agree with it are the people faced with the alternative. i've seen people waste away and lose all dignity. the self inflicted fellings of guilt and total and utter unusefulness i think destroy your mind as your disease destroys your body. that is no way for someone to live.
no i'm not saying everyone should be able to run out and kill themselves willy nilly. i don't know where you draw the line or who gets to decide--that's the tricky part. i don't want someone deciding for me; i'm not sure i always trust myself to make the decision.
people are alarmed when i say i have a date chosen (but i specifically chose one that i believe to be far out to try to calm the obsessiveness of the thoughts). when the thoughts come up i can say to myself "yeah but i have this scheduled and i need to stick t the schedule) the thing is, i know like most of my fascinations--things may change before the time comes. I HOPE things will change. I HOPE that by that point i have found some treatment that works.
but i have read enough blogs of people who are slowly ticking off all the treatment options and not having any relief. the possibilty of that frightens. but the possibility of that happening and me not having a plan frightens me more. i have to plan for EVERY possibilty--even the remote ridiculous ones. it's part of my obsessive nature. it's how i feel less anxious about the what ifs.
i guess part of the frustration is wondering if i will become one of those people and feeling like my current treatment is just me spinning my wheels.
i don't know. i felt a little better yesterday even though i had to admit that i hadn't finished nearly any of my work. but i also tried to take steps to help myself. i asked to install a counter/alarm of sorts on my computer to remind me to pay attention and not let my mind drift. i'm going to videotape myself for a few days to try to see what happens to my time while i m at work. and i ahve contemplated explaining to my co workers that the drs believe part of my problem is ADD (I ahve told one person) and that as much as i enjoy our banter, i can only do it at specified times and for specified lengths and that i need to limit my conversations by chat with them and for them not to send me links to look at something interesting because i will just go off from there.
like this blog entry. i was supposed to just drop a note saying everything was ok and apologize for worrying people. and it has blossomed into this. and i am late for work. and now my mom is babbling in my ear even though i just said to her i need to get to work. but she needs to talk, we don't talk much so i will let her. funny thing is she has no interest in my day to day life and i ahve no interest in hers. we just have very little common ground. and she has never tried to chat with me; when i was young and wanted to just chat she couldn't be bothered (not to be mean, but she was tired and not very well socialized on anymore than a casual aquaintance basis) she's trying and i appreciate that, but i ahve gotten used to the way things were between us. i made my peace with it. now she wants to change things and it is difficult for me to change a relationship. and she has few (read it 1.5) close friends. the other people seem to be people she associates with because she needs them to give her rides mainly because she otherwise would be so isolated. i don't think she chose tha maliciously. i think it is just a co-dependancy issue that they have fed into for her (and she feeds into theirs because most of them financially could not survive on their own and she is always buying lunch or groceries and filling up the car with gas etc. for them)
whoa. that ritalin is so ineffective. i take it at 6am and at 7 am i am nauseous. by 9am it has worn off. i am supposed ot get 4-6 good hours out of a dose. i swear just 20 minutes ago i felt energized and ready to go. now i feel this weariness that is strange because i went to bed early and got lot's of sleep last night.
ah well.
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