it's the longings

i think that maybe if i can just get control of the longings i ahve :

• be in an emotionally open and deep committed relationship
• have child
• create a family with an extended family that is loving and close

if i can rid myself of those then so mnay of the probelms i have will just disappear. i wont feel so jealous and loathsome of people, wondering why they deserve those things and not me, i won't make bad decisoins in the desperate pursuit of those things.

i've made some strides; i don't go out so i don't meet any men so my ability t coose the first guy who smiles and me and fall in love wiht him is limited. i think to in some ways the connection i thgouht i had with RJ, even in hindsight when i realize it was probably not real for him) has made it easier for me to pull away from the possibilty of relationships. but it has not stopped my longing. but hopefully in time that will fade too.

i am really hoping that if i have a frank talk with my gyn she will talk to he review board at the hospital and get them to consent to giving me a tubal ligation. that hope that i might ahve a child (even though i know i shouldn't) i think keeps me from fully dealing with the children i have lost and from getting past that desire.

the family one... well i think that will bite me in the ass for a while. i so wanted to create it within my own family. there will never be untiy and harmony. i never want to be in the same room with both my parents unless i am comatosed and on life support. it would be nice not to hve to watch my words so that i do not mention one to the other. it would be nice to not have to bite my lip as they both dis each other (even though they are both known liars). but, well it won't be. i ahve never felt so split in half as i do with my parents. i guess that is why my last name is so me--i ahve both my father and my mother's last name; i always say to people, it's to seperate words, no hyphen joining them. and that is how the halves of me are.

i just want to feel whole and ok and accepted. i think sturday nights are tough. it's the night i associate with couples. friday night i am unwinding from work. sunday i am getting ready ot go back to work. but saturday is the day i know that i wake up to nothingness and will go to bed to nothingness.

the funny thing is, if i could be alone--i mean truly alone, no real contact with the outside world, i would be ok. it's being stuck in the middle and tossed to and fro that is battering my already weary soul. jail and solitary confinement are appealing to me.

ah well.