unhealthy boundaries

with both of my parents i have the most unhealthy of boundaries. but it is more apparent with my mom because i spend more time with her.

everyone else sees my mom with her mask on. she even has a mask she wears for me to keep me from ever getting close to her.

the holiday ended much the same as many have. i had asked her to be ready to get on the road by a certain time. she changed the plan and i relented. then she just decided to ignore the 2nd plan.

so in the end i had wanted to leave the house to get on the road at 7:30am; she decided (at 7:30am when i showed up after walking the dogs) that that would not work because of rush hour. then she decided 10 am; somehow it became 11am. at 11:30 she told me SHE was ready (knowing full well i needed to get a shower) during this whole time i just shut down. i slept to avoid feeling and interacting with her.

but before i got in the shower i told her that i was tired of her being completely disrespectful of my personhood and my wishes and my time. i told her that she always complains about my screaming and cursing but even if i make requests of her calmly, she still disregards them. so atleast when i yell i feel better for a moment (and then she acts so hurt and i feel bad again). i explained to her how she was as manipulative as she viewed my father and everyone else to be. i explained to her how it drained me. she went to start the excuses and i stopped her. then she went to start the apologies and i stopped her. told her how her words, after years of them, were useless because they never manifested into reality. so i'd rather she just not say anything because i was tired of listening to what amounted to lies.

so then she went into the melodramatic "why don't we just sever our relationship because it doesn't seem to be good for you or for me?" i told her to think before she went there because i could be packed and gone with the wind before she knew it. and if that is what she really wanted she had better look me in the eye and tell me.

and then i cried thru a shower. got dressed and drove her home with a minimum of words. as she always does, after i had dropped her off, she called and tried to exchange pleasantries as if nothing had happened.

i don't know how i will draw boundaries with my mother. her fears and issues collide with my life like an 18 wheeler and a brick wall. she is bad for my mental and physical health. i can not expect any change from her. i can only change myself. i have tried to change the way i feel about many things. but the last few are things that point to deeper issues. and talking about them hurts her to the core. even without the curse words the feelings i have wound her deeply. do i hold them in and let them fester inside of me? do i release them to her and let them fester in her?

everyone in my life wants what they want. none of them see their desires of me as being too big of a piece. but collectively they have not left me enough to function.