at some point you realize just how messed up you are

for me the reality of it hit while sitting outside waiting for the shuttle to pick me up after my dr's visit. i was reading some pamphlets i ahd picked up in the office. on was from the makers of my mood stabilizer. and the language was so clear. and you realize where you fall in the category. and you realize how treatment resistant you are and you realize teh scope and the number of diagnosis and how any one would be enough to knock an elephant off its feet.

the dr. was shocked when i told him i could take 2 ritalin and go to sleep. i suddenly felt like that tiger they had hit with like 4 knockout darts but still wouldn't go down. and the animal keepers are all standing there in amazement and disbelief and they are saying, "well maybe we should just shoot it."

work yesterday was horrible. i ahd to admit how far behind i was and have my work reassigned. because i had not been taking the mood stabilizer, in response to feeling so "attacked and vulnerable" i became rather loud and crazy acting as i talked to a friend on the phone. everyone in the office knows i am filing for bankruptcy and seeing a shrink. and it made me laugh harder knowing that certain people were trying to contain themselves to not show their shock and fear.

maybe now when i say "leave me alone!" they will. i just want to be alone. i've been thinking about taking my laptop to work and simply hiding in various areas and doing my work. i'd have to go in for the stuff where i need to be directly on the internet.

the paranoia is kicking up ever so lightly. but i am going ot go try to pick up the new stimulant drig and PRAY it has the effect he hopes.