holidays make me sad. it's the big reminder of how fragmented and screwy my family is.
it was weird at my dad's because before i left i realized that the relationship i have with him is built on a lie. i don't like him. i don't believe most of what he says. and i still don't think i'll cry when he dies. if i do it will be because i am sitting near someone else who is crying (it can be like throwing up for me--you do it so i do it). if i never heard from him again i'd be ok. i don't know why i don't just let him have it. i think because i enjoy that he needs me and the sick pleasure that comes with the realization of the irony of how the one child he abandoned is the one who rushes up to care for him and fusses at him about his health.
i guess part of the reason i don't is my little brother. i don't want him to be caught in between. my one sister that i am closes to has no relationship with our dad so he can't ruin that. and his hold on my little brother is lessening. actually my little brother and i aren't that close. so i guess if i lost that relationship i'd survive.
but it was nice to see a photo of my father's parents. his dad died when he was young so i never knew my grandfather. his mother and i never established a relationship. i met her once. i don't remember her at all. i know she was old--i think she had a cane. i seem to recall being enamoured with her pretty silver hair. and she was sitting on a bench in front of a high rise in the bronx. there were a few holiday phone calls after that--but she was so distant with me on the phone. so one day i just stopped. she died and i din't go because it was too inconvenient to rearrange my work schedule and find people to cover me and it was going to cost too much money and i just had no feeling about her death. i think i was the only grandchild who did not show up.
and then this weekend my church had a function and my mom's old best friend was there and she was looking forward to my mom coming and i had to tell her my mom wasn't coming. i tried explaining my mom to her--she suddenly got really serious and very insistent that i live my life and not let my mother drag me down. but she has. mom claims she will be leaving her job in june and returning to live with me. as i cleaned up my apartment i began trying to think what furniture i would keep and cram into my office which would become my bed.
in church today the pastor's daughter who is engaged was in church with her family and her finacee's family. i wanted to cry. i wanted to claw her eyes out. i hate that i feel such jealousy towards people.
and the new pill regimine isn't working yet. i can take a dose of a stimulant med and still go to sleep. i am tempted to mix the two i ahve because i need to stay up and get some things done but i don't know what the reaction would be so...
friday i cleaned out my desk. i removed everything. i decided that it would make when they fire me a lot easier. (i am conviced that they will).
i'm going to take a 30 minute nap and hope when i wake up the stimulant pill has kicked in...
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