sheesh people LEAVE ME ALONE!

Why do people think it is so strange that I am looking forward to being alone for XMAS? It will be my 1st XMAS done MY WAY! Put up the decorations I WANT. Eat what I WANT. Make the cookies I WANT! Not my mother's not so great MArtha Stewart wanna be Xmas.

So ofcourse everyone is upset that I won't go with anyone to xmas dinner. i don't want to sit with some family right now. it just pisses me off that my family is so messed up. and I want some uninterrupted time to think! but the elderly neighbor made some crack comment that i was being a scrooge. i want to spend xmas with the "person" i love best--MY DOG!

and now I ahve been roped into going to xmas eve "dinner" at the pastor's house. not that I don't like them because I do. i just feel very weird this xmas. i don't want to smile at everyone. i want to stay home and look at pictures of my grandma and cry if i want. i want to write--some blog entires maybe some poetry.

i understand--it is difficult for people IRL to imagine that the person they see as me would not want to spend all her time with others.

I just want several hours of uninterrupted ME time. When I return to work there will be no time to do that. I have to get ready for the next semester, grade papers etc. and work--don't forget work.

i don't want to have to be fully dressed or brush my teeth. and if people really knew my home life with my mom they would know that we are 2 people who despite occupying the same space can still be alone. i never liked that discrepancy. i always preferred to just be alone.

almost makes me want to check myself into a hospital (or maybe i could fake a drug habit and go to rehab or get arrested and then sent to solitary confinement) just to get away.