therapy

there are times when the reflection that therapy seems to set in motion can drive you crazy. i find myself trying to sum up everything in my life to fit in one neat 50 minute session. i want some resolution at the end like my life is a melodramatic sitcom.

i know intellectually that it doesn't work like that. doesn't stop the desire.

i realized in hindsight how furiously she was scribbling down different things that she wanted to work on--problem areas. she ran out of paper--she didn't want to flip over and write on the back because she had already punched the holes and put it in the chart holder. and in a very emotionally sadistic kind of way, i was happy that she seemed overwhelmed in her ability to get it all down and i just kept adding other tidbits--one more stone to weigh her down.

the problem is there are things that i view as settled--they may not be settled in the best, most emotionally healthy way, but for now i think i have made the best decision i could possibly make. for instance the whole dating thing. i just don't do it. not that i don't want to--more than anything i want to be in love and have someone love me. but the reality is that some of my deeply embedded issues mean that i make really really bad decisions (from lovers to friends). a desperation to help and be needed and feel worthwhile; validating myself by someone else's existence.

it is a weird catch 22. if we are supposed to be helpful to people, then why do people say i do too much? how do you determine what too much is? never been good at setting limits.

well i'll deal with this later. i must go to work.

hope you all are well.