update

i'm doing OK. feeling good most of the time. not struggling as much to stay awake at work. i don't think i have had a mid day nap in WEEKS. the adderrall seems to be working. so if he switches me to XR I got a coupon for a month free! which is good since the wellbutrin xl is now in generic so i can't use the $10/month off coupon i get from them (and they would have paid for 1 year-damn!) They probably knew the generic was coming and hoped to get people hooked on the name brand so that they would request it over the generic. actually with the $10 coupon i could request the name brand and still pay the same copay (I think--but then again it is health insurance so i am sure they would find some way to screw me).

but truthfully i don't really care generic or name brand. i go generic for so many other things in my life.

the last few morning s i have been feeling a bit sluggish again. i'm not sure what that has to do with. i'm thinkin it has something to do with the adderrall kicking me slightly towards hypomania and now my brain is fighting back. i don't know. but i am going to make a concerted effort to take the mood stabilizer twice a day 12 hours apart as he instructed and then see where i am when i meet with him in 2 weeks. it could also be that i only took one dose of adderrall yesterday. i usually do that on the weekends and feel a bit sluggish by monday. i just don't want to develop a strong dependence on the amphetamine and i felt myself only sleeping like 4 hours and was a bit concerned about that. don't get me wrong--I FELT GREAT, but that is one of the dangers of mania isn't it? and hypomania where many people find themselves very productive and feeling good can turn to full mania or depression--neither of which i think i can endure right now.

i would like to spend a day in bed, but it seems i won't get that until saturday at the earliest. i've been working long days trying to get caught up on all work for all jobs. but it is nice to be getting caught up. it does do wonders for your esteem to feel like you can do it. i really need to learn some better time management--i hope that will come easier as i also have more energy.

i'm still not looking forward to the holiday. no real holiday spirit. but a wise friend (SPYDRwebb) wished for me

time out to grasp the poetic nature of the Christmas story when time permits.

and as i sit here and think about that, i think next year I am going to organize a birthday bash for Jesus in which we give gifts of things he would like (clothes for the poor, food for the hungry, visiting with the elderly, etc.) and it has to be a bit more than just throwing out money. actually maybe mom and i will do that this year. i'll make a bday cake. wondering if jesus is a chocolate or vanilla kind of guy? and we can give gifts in categories like something to heal ourselves, something to heal the other person, something for the people of the world and something for the earth... and maybe we will each commit to one hobby and start it this weekend. lord knows i have the materials of enough of them i never really finished (or started beyond buying a bunch of stuff).

you know the funny thing is i think i was also not really feeling the holiday because i had no money. but i just got one paycheck from a teaching job and probably expect 2 more from other jobs which may get here before xmas which would mean i would have some money but i am more excited about my new idea.

what if we start throwing bday parties on many major figures bdays and give gifts that honor theor legacy? MLK jr, ghandi, you choose the people. i think i might just try that this year.