well atleast we will have something to talk about at therapy tomorrow

i just called mom and told her i would be down to pick her up sometime around 11pm tomorrow. i know she doesn;t like to travel at night but i prefer it and i am trying to stay out of the worst of the holiday/weekend traffic by going at off hours.

but ofcourse she thinks her anxieties should outweigh what i want. and instead of saying "look i ma really scared, could we possibly do it at another time?" she begins being passive aggressive. she begins to hint that maybe we should wait and travel in the am but i say no, "i've got plans." my plan was to get a nice day's worth of sleep or to comeback and do a mad rush last minute christmas shopping. i have no gifts for my neighbors and others. i ahve had no time to get to a store.

so mom says, "well since you seem to have your weekend booked maybe we should just forget about it." it is at this point i get angry because i know she doesn't want to spend xmas alone (i on the other hand relish the idea--just time to sit and think) so i tell her "well you call me in the morning and let me know what we are doing."

i always end up giving in. i don't know if i should hold my ground or just suck it up and go get her saturday morning.

and then i don't know when she wants to go back home. i think she wants to stay all week. i really don't want that. i need some private time--it is my only time to recharge and recoup so that i can face the world. i don't want to come home and feel on edge (as i do when she and i inhabit the same space).

but it is impossible to get her to commit to anything. plans with her change even while the plan is being executed. it is annoying. i put my life on hold when she comes. can't make plans with friends or anything. i have to chauffeur her around otherwise she is essentially stuck in my apt. and then she gets ansty and starts moving my things and redecorating and rearranging and it PLUCKS my last ever-loving nerve.

i envy the relationship my sister has with her mom. i wanted that with my mom. i told the therapist that my mom was more like my autistic big sister than my mom. she is a figure head parent. its is so complicated the co-dependant relationship she and i have.

i just wish she and i could feel at ease around each other.