to the new blogger!
No actually I planned to switch over the holiday but the break from work just wasn't long enough after I took care of eating and sleeping.
I saw the pdoc today. He kept telling me what a difference he saw in me. He always compliments me in our sessions--he is very good about stroking the ego and rebuilding self esteem. he's not phony about it, just very caring. He told me he liked that I always came in with a smile even when he could tell it was paining me to do so. He told me he admired the sheer will power and strength that has kept me from doing permanent harm to myself or descending fully into the bowels of hell. he was happy for ME that I was feeling better and not because it meant he is a good dr. he told me that he didn't care if it was god or the pills or just a fluke or the placebo effect--as long as i felt better.
I asked him if i was really bipolar. He said to me to just think of myself as having a mood disorder. basically because so many of the mental illnesses resemble each other and then you add to that individualizing each illness for the patient and who knows... i also got the feeling he was trying to not overwhelm me. i think he thought that knowing would make me derail my progress. but i am at peace with the diagnosis. i am trying to figure out how it will color my life. i expressed to him my concern that i know so that i know what warning signs to look for that things aren't going well. But he told me that that's what he and his staff are there for. between seeing the therapist once a week and seeing him monthly and the fact that i can call anytime (which many of his patients do). In time after they have carefully assessed my baseline and where I should be --based on ME and not the DSMRV or whatever-- and my visits are reduced then I will worry about that. He said patients tend to take a diagnosis and go read about it and then start panicking at every little change. he's right. the reading i have done made me believe that what i thought was normal was actually signs of mania (not full blown) now I am so anxious about whether or not i am seeing things or hearing "voices" that it is pushing my anxiety level up unnecessarily. He pointed out that while some of my behaviors may be considered hypomanic (not sleeping a lot, doing lot's of things like cleaning the house, talking rapidly and being much more animated, he does not believe that I am. He assured me that those things are part of my personality, they are me and not the disease. He said it's a fine line, a line i have probably slipped over a few times (when i do things continually just to get a reaction out of people).
I left the office feeling calm and reassured.
i even had a good laugh when we talked briefly about my therapist and he said "she's flaky sometimes!" she is but that flakiness can be very disarming and she kind of worms her way into parts of your life that you thought you could keep her out of. i tried to direct her to my family problems and issues with my mom but she hi\oned in on the fact that i do not take care of myself by dieting or exercising or buying clothes and i do not go out and socialize on more than a friend level and even then it is only with people that cross my path at work or school.
i know that i have to do more than just pop the pills this time. i really have to reach deep within and face some of the demons that are chasing me. they have chased me to the edge of hell and this last time i did not flinch when i reached the ledge. i stood and stared into the darkness, into the abyss, fearless and longing. i know that the next time i may not survive (and i mean that quite literally) if i do not do this this time.
but we will see. it is my hallmark that i start out very into something and then the thrill quickly passes.
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