not so sure

I'm not so sure my reaction to the therapist was not one of self protection now. i thought, i mean really felt like I was ok.

but now i wonder if maybe it was that gut reaction that i have had to when i disappoint my mom (or anyone else) when i realize that i CAN NOT possibly meet their "expectations."

i hate being a disappointment. it goes to my core. i can tell myself that i can not please everyone and that some of the expectations i think are foisted upon me are simply manifestations of my own paranoia about being perfect.

I am at that point of wondering if even the things I do that appear good are not simply manifestations of my inner problems.

i see myself faking so many relationships until it feels natural; being a chameleon to fit in and i doubt everything i do. i wonder now if i only joined my church to garner the happiness of the congregates and my neighbor? but does it matter? i feel at peace, safe at the church. except lately-- i have slowly begin to feel like my "treachory" is visible to everyone. But oddly enough I still find comfort in the words even if i don't find so much comfort in the place any more. (and nothing has changed about the place--i have changed)

on another note because my mind is wandering rather quickly from thought to thought...
i wonder if my inability to make any change is because it requires thought (sustained directed thought/concentration)? and when i say change i mean any change -- i'm sitting here feeling a deep crack in my ankle again. the pain is pretty bad (although I can not see the pink inner flesh yet so it's not so bad). But to avoid this, the first step was to simply put lotion on my feet and wear socks in the house to keep the skin from drying out. but wearing socks is not automatic for me. in fact it goes against my automatic thought (which seems to be a disdain for clothing--i am thinking that that is from a disgust with my current physical condition and financial condition because i can not find or afford nice things). or maybe i am just lazy and looking for reasons to justify my laziness? or maybe deep inside i am a masochist who enjoys hurting myself. but if that is true then the unconscious nature of that desire frightens me (because how do i control something i don't/can't see/hear/smell/touch etc.). it basically means there is no hope (or i have to walk around with a sign that says "are you doing something that is an unconscious desire to harm yourself?)

have you ever felt so uncertain of everything that even you feel like a hallucination or a dream to yourself?