still looking for that pivotal moment

I have identified some of the pivotal moments that set me on the path to where I am now. I don't know what I hope to achieve by understanding. I don't think it will spur me to any action. but i can not seem to stop my mind from sifting thru vague memories looking for something.

#1 As a child I was not consistently around any other children. I mean I had cousins I saw at family events and for summers, I went to school and the rec center.

The problem I think first began when we moved in with my grandmother. She was obviously the authority figure and head of the household and even as a little one I knew it. I called grandma "momma" and called my mom by her first name. I think even when i learned to call my mom "mom" the idea of her having less power was already instilled. I used to say it was more like she was my autistic sister, but I think the word sister brings to mind a closeness we never had. I guess more like she was just another aunt.

My mother did not believe in discipline in the physical sense and I wasn't afraid of much else. So she lost even more control. Making me go in my room and stand in front of the wall was no different than my normal life as an only child who had to stay in the house most of the time.

I wasn't allowed to watch much tv but I read a lot. Between the 2 I think I developped a very false sense of what family and happiness and life are. Add to that the limited exposure I had to other families to observe them and I never developed a realistic ideal.

As I got older (say about 10 or so) the idea that I was not really allowed to socialize outside of a constructed school like setting I think made it more difficult for me to define myself as a kid. Everyone always said I was so smart and like a minature version of my mom. And I only ever hung out with my mom and her friend, tagging along on mainly adult excursions like going to the racetrack. The people I observed and thus modeled after were all adults. My mom jokes that I thought I was a little pint-sized adult, but I think I did think so. I acted like a litle adult and don't think I ever really got to be an adolescence. I had a childhood, but no real adolescence and that is where I am stuck emotionally at now.

So in an essence i kind of skipped the emotional development as a child. I learned to handle things like the adults in my fmaily--suck it up and in.

Add to that my mother's need for me to excel in school. It was the only thing she cared about. In hindsight I realize I was not that much smarter than everyone else. My mom did most of my projects and papers for me in grade school. I never learned any study skills or how to make myself sit down and work on a project.

There was the other small issue of my self esteem. When i was very young I was the center of the universe because I was the only grandchild in close proximity. and while that remianed true, at some point my cousin became the cute one and i was the smart one. but i wanted to be the cute one. my cousin pat was the only perosn who routinely told me i was pretty. he was killed in a car accident. i don't remember anyone telling me that he had been killed, but i may just be superimposing the memory of my grandfather's death on his death.

My grandfather was the only man in my life. As long as he was around I did not miss or need my dad. No one ever told me my grandfather was terminally ill. My mother never told me he had died. It never dawned on me that he could die. I used to always say i was going to marry my grandfather--even after I got older and realized that you couldn't really do that. his death was the beginning of the end. it marked my realization of how scary the world was. it put my fear of being abandoned into hyper drive. it made me go in search of a man to replace him in my life in all the wrong ways. I started having sex at age 13 the summer after he died. I stated to get to know my dad and turn against my mom.

then you throw on top the pre-teenage/teenage angst and you ahve a recipe for disaster. I began to discover how many lies my mom had told me. as i was trying to pull away from her and become my own person, she pulled me tighter to her. she made my world very small and as a result i rebelled and usually went way to far over the line.

all sorts of things were discovered that threatened my sense of self. In high school I was no longer the smartest kid. I found out that my parents had not been married. I discovered that my dad had other children. i discovered that my dad had another child and I was no longer "the baby." I discovered more about the circumstances of my birth.

and from there is just kind of spiraled out of control.

even after writing that, looking back at the words brings me no comfort. Is this depression? How do you know typical sadness from depression? I only seem to recognize that depression when it becomes practically debilitating.

so tired but i need to go to work.