as i discover myself more and the meds help me stop some of the noise in my head, I begin to hear myself clearly. today something that i have been whispering to myself for awhile became an unarguable truth for me--i am no longer in love with cmh. i carried a torch for this guy for 16 years. but now i realize he was another one of those guys i clung to with the hope that they would save me just because he wandered into my close proximity and smiled at me.
he is a decent enough friend, but it kind of saddens me to lose that dream of he and i being together. i know that he could not deal with my moods and need for meds. i know that i would not get the type of emotional support i need to feel safe and secure and begin to have a healthy decent relationship.
that "love" feeling consumed so much of my mind's energy and now that's it's gone, the stillness, the emptiness and the quiet it has left in my soul scares me.
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