as the dust settles

Thoughts about all that surrounded my dad's "commemoration" service were not so easily dismissed. That same old wound was slightly reopened.

my older half siblings have never truly acknowledged my legitimacy as my Dad's child. even in the planning of his service. they moved it because their mother could not attend if it was at my dad's house. but they never informed me of the time nor locale change. If it was the principle of the issue, then why wasn't an invitation extended to my mother and my youngest brother's mother? if i am not truly their sister, then why did i spend my money and my time to get their youngest full sister to the service? none of them offered to help pay for her flight.

so now i feel like their hugs and babblings about come visit me, let's ahve a fmily reunion, blah, blah blah were just smoke blown in my face. maybe just to confuse me because i am known for my temper in some ways.

but i decided not to be all the things that i hated about my dad. i left them with their truth even though i think it is wrong. In the end I think it is wrong but it's not worth it. i will simply disappear into oblivion as far as they are concerned. i only hope that it will not damage my relationship with their youngest sister. but the truth of the matter is, i realized a long time ago to never NEED anyone. I hear myself saying the words "oh I love you and miss you sooo much and you are my one true sister.." but the truth of the matter is i don't trust or need anyone--won't allow it. so even if that ends...