earlier in the week the chick at work (who finally got her promotion and moved upstairs) came back down to the office. It was evening and I was the only one there. She had been coming back and forth all day. Well she sat down and started to talk to me and then started CRYING. She was practically hysterical. I knew she was having a severe anxiety/panic attack. The stress of trying to live up to everyone's expectations and feeling like you couldn't do even the simplest of tasks had pushed her over the edge.

so i sat and consoled her. i was a wee bit happy that she acknowledged that she understood how I felt. Then I sat and helped her make an action plan.

I ended up being an 45 minutes late to class--the payoff for the students was that the test was not as complicated as ones I have given in the past.

But it reconfirmed the notion that mental illness is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. I advised her to call her dr. and inquire about getting something low dose and short term for anxiety because she has high blood pressure and i think that much stress could make her stroke out. I told her if that dind't work I would give her my psych dr's name and even make my appt on the same doay and take her.

she's been feeling a bit calmer the last few days. I had to have lunch with her and she comes by my desk to chat. and that's the awkward part because I do not enjoy our chit chatty convos. Having probs with the deep stuff--I'll listen and comfort and help, but other than that, she and I are on such different levels and she has no worldliness about her. I don't want to talk about bowling, poker (online or on tv), world of warcraft and the new Lord of the Rings version that is coming out. But I listen and participate because it is the nice thing to do. She's offered to do someof my work to help me catch up but I refused (not because i don't want her help but because I need to push myself and get it done.)

other than that I am a bit up and down. but i don't think it is the mood stabilizer not working. I really think that peeling away the depression and cycling moods has simply uncovered the anxiety. I have anxiety about everything and it ends up making me a bit depressed. I'm hoping that the pdoc will either supplement me with an AD that has more anxiety fighting properties or exchange said pill for the prozac.

i feel like my moods are better but the anxiety is a bit more unbearable than teh depression for me. it makes me a bit more compulsive as I find myself repeating thoughts or day dreams or songs on my ipod OVER and OVER and OVER. I see myself spending a bit more time in fantasy land, so much so that at night it is hard to shut it off so i can go to sleep. Each time I replay it I end up tweaking the story a bit ; it's like writing and rewriting the same short story for HOURS.

Yesterday I really wanted my mommy. I really felt like I just wanted her to be here and help me fix things. granted i know that i can't confide in her and i know she can't fix anything, but the urge was so strong. She was supposed to come this weekend anyway. But as usual, she bailed in me with some anxiety ridden excuse. ah well.

you ever doubt if anything you feel or think is true? Last night I found myself daydreaming about me and CMH dating. and I started to actually consider it in the daydream. it started having that, "he will fight for me, validate my existence, rescue me from my drab life and protect me from the darkness" feeling that has gotten me into some doomed relationships before. I was really upset with myself because i have been saying that I'm not in love with him and I really thgouht I wasn't and now I am not so sure. I'm wondering if it just that the anxiety is increased so my psyche is resorting to old comfort mechanisms?

anyhoo I need to get to work and try to be productive. must resisit the urge to go back to bed...