it all begins coming into the light.
my mom did know what the change to my birth certificate was in 1985. Seems she finally gave me a name (i was listed as "baby girl" for 14 years, which is ironic because that is what my dad always called me) and she put my dad on my birth certificate and changed my last name to be the medley of both their names that i have today. funny thing is i asked my mom repeatedly what change had been made to the birth certificate and she always denied knowing. so why tell me now?
now things become clear. dad used to say that my mom took me from him; i thought he was referring to us leaving NY and coming to live with her family. So i always wanted to know why my dad just didn't come get me, but i see now he couldn't legally.
and as i pointed this out to my mom of course she went on the defense. i guess she couldn't tell me while he was alive bacause it might have been one more thing for he and i to bond with against her. i don't think she ever realized that i was no longer snowed by my dad and that i could see pretty clearly who he really was. the one thing my mom and i can bond on is bashing my dad. the one thing my dad bonded on was bashing my mom. but i feel like i get all the blows.
you know given the options i would just walk away from all of them. good and the bad. it would mean giving up my sister but i wonder if that would be worth the ability to just walk away.
i wonder if not having an identity, even though i didn't know it, may have cosmically just fucked me up? i always felt like i didn't really exist as a teen.
and then the fights are continuing with some of my sibs who want something of dad's. my oldest brother it seems wants dad's pistol. yeah i'm thinking you a) haven't spoken to dad in a year and b) dad spent a rack of money on your son's unsuccessful defense in a robbery charge as well in your wacky business schemes. that was your inheritance bub. and then there is my younger brother. he still wants my dad's bangles; but it seems (as the story goes) that my bro when he was younger, stole some of dad's jewelry and sold it. so how the fuck can he think he deserves anything? you sold your inheritance ass. i'm angry because my little bro is soo much like my dad with the lies to protect his image. i'm angry that dad never told me, but back then he knew i was upset with the things my bro was doing and he knew i dind't agree with how my bro was being raised and we had discussed me getting custody of him for a bit to get him out of the enviornment he was in and trying to straighten him out.
i'm really tired. have become fairly avoidant lately. i stayed in bed most of the day yesterday. i have so much to do for tomorrow that I just shut down at the mere thought of it. i'm depressed but i don't think it is depression; i think it is a side effect of the anxiety i feel almost constantly.
the dr. was very good about listening to me convince him to let me try buspar. i just can't wait for it to come in the mail--i switched to the mail order pharmacy because of the convenience and the cost reduction. I am on 5 meds from psych dr, 1 from gyn, and 1 from primary care. $70 month is what i was spending on meds. plus monthly visits to psych dr. and weekly visits to therapist (which I still can't figure out the cost of). and I only alloted $100 month for medical care--oopsie. so with the mail order pharmacy, my med costs drop from $840 a year to $560 a year.
i really need this to work (the meds). therapist has refined the diagnosis to bipolar 2. i just really need this to work. so much coming at me so fast i i just need to be able to catch the balls coming or duck instead of just standing there and letting them hit me. (rememebr dodge ball?)
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