i just don't get it

friend told rj about my dad dying. today was the 1st time he saw me so he asked me to come chat. i stopped by after class and he came out of his booth. i was holding my eye because i had begin to get a migraine. so he stood in the hall and rubbed my temples. he asked me why i had not told him dad had died. I couldn't really believe he would think i would tell him or come to him for comfort. he told me that i was there when his dad passed so why wouldn't io let him be there for me. i told him because the relationship wasn't the same. I mean my relationship with my dad versus his with his dad. but as soon as i said it I realized the double meaning (our relationship, rj & mine) was no longer the same. but i clarified it to him as if it was the first choice and just blew off the latter. not a convo i want to have. if he is happy occassionally acting like we are still good friends then fine. i can play along.

i'm so exhausted. can't really think straight and i have a massive headache. i hate that touch (rj's). it make me want the safety i felt when he and i were together. now more than ever as i try to face my demons in therapy (which is amping up my anxiety tremendously) i need the comfort.

i hate that i am not sad, but i still want to die. will that ever stop? i could be content with not really being excited about living if i would just stop dreaming of dying as if it is some happily ever after fairytale.