sometimes u don't realize what you've lost

now that my dad is gone, i feel this small twinge of loss. i realize that my dad always seemed happy to talk to me. i never felt like i had to be smart or perfect like my mom makes me feel.

and dad i think may have been the only person who could pick (or dismiss) my potential mates FOR the RIGHT reasons. Mom rejects them for very practical and sometimes superficial reasons. but dad, well he seemed to just see how they would or wouldn't fit with me. L he said was too weak and would let me walk over him (1 point for dad), T was too intellectually weak and not strong enough as a man to make me feel safe so I would always handle everything and desecrate his manhood in the process (2 points for dad). But dad also never offered his opinion nor gave me any idea of his disapproval (unlike mom) while i was "dating" someone.

found out from older sister that after my disastrous relationship with KC that ended with suicide attempt and ectopic pregnancy, dad was ready to come down and kill him. he had asked me if i wanted him to come down there with my brothers. i just assumed he was joking/trying to make me feel better until i talked to my sister at the funeral. seems on one of those 2 occasions she was at the house and daddy packed a bag and left it by the door incase he had to get on the road right away. she asked him what he was doing and he told her that some guy has broken your sister's heart and he might have to go down there and handle it. She said she knew it was SERIOUS when she saw daddy put his pistol in his bag. He would not tell her anything else, but she could tell he was upset.

it is hard to love someone you just don't like as a person particularly which makes it harder to grieve for them. and i guess his mortality has made me look around my own life and see that my mom is getting old and that from here on out the most i can expect is loss. my dog will die, my mom will die, then what?

i'm in a bad place now. not si much about dad. just so freakin tired and overwhelmed. went to dinner with elderly neighbor's friends. love her friends, some of the nicest people you'd ever want to meet, but damn i'm tired. i ahd to nap to get myself ready to smile, i had to nap after i had to sit and smile and now i got nothing done.

i don't want to drive to the therapist's in a few hours. i just don't care enough. but i have to pretend to be ok becuase i don't want to deal with the probbing. i don't want to have to explain something i can't even clearly identify.