i fear my need of approval may have warped even my recovery. at this very moment i am not sure if i am ok or if the meds are working or had ever worked. i think maybe in the moment when i ma at the dr's office, i want so desperately to be ok, for him to say my you have a beautiful smile and the other things he says.
it has come to a point when i am trying to avoid even the mildest bit of judgement from anyone.
i sometimes wonder if my need to be a part, to feel connected may be holding me here. because the only place i feel connected is here. so if i "recover" won't i lose that? the only times i have felt connected is by the abnormal parts of my personality. it is those places i have felt a sense of belonging. but i sometimes if those things were part of me or if i picked them up to get to belong.
the only time i am truly not ok, is when i am with me.
how do i explain THIS MOMENT to the dr's when this moment doesn't exist once i step out into real life? becuase THIS is the problem. maybe i don't put on a mask of happiness when i go out; maybe i put on a mask of unhappiness when i come in.
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