funny how somethings you can't forget even when you don't remember

i think if i had lost my first child at any other time, the memory of it would fade. but i came home and it was mother's day. i can never escape that. NEVER. trust me, i try.
and as i was in my room trying to deal with the anxiety of life in general, the memory just popped into my head. and then the guilt for forgetting. i think it has become since then that i have slowly given up my love for hoidays becuase i always knew something would be missing.

and in it all, the depression, the bipolar, the fear, the shame ALL OF IT, there is no one too talk to. not that i know you guys wouldn't listen. but each of us is so busy struggling i feel bad to lay any of this on you. and most people don't know that side of me or those things about me. i used to feel comfortable talking with rj, but he has a child now. mom and i could never talk about such things. my sister well i the truth of the matter is i don't think anyone who actually has kids (even if they have lost some) can truly get this. and there are no support groups for long time lost. Most of them are filled with women trying to ahve babies now and whose loss is more recent.

and then there is also the realization that there are somethings words can not fix. not the owrds of a skilled dr. not the words of a caring friend. not even the words i see in the bible. they patch it for a moment sometimes.